Working towards a new self-concept
Rage, grief, and manifesting a joyful life
I’ve been walking around with a cloud of anger, delayed grief, and overall dread over my head. Today is the third anniversary of delivering my daughter Iah, stillborn. But I still haven’t buried her.
I’ve faced grief before, my mother lost her battle with cancer when I was 13. And this was not my first pregnancy loss. I haven’t begun to truly make my way towards healing from that loss because my child is still in the cold basement of the hospital where I delivered her – or so they say.
The cloud of this situation (which I’ll write more about in the coming months) looms over every area of my life. Being quiet about it has made it very hard for me to show up in public, online or in-person. I cannot share my experiences and pretend this dark cloud doesn’t cast a wide shadow over every speck of joy and creativity I manage to muster?
I’d rather not show up than show up inauthentically.
Now that I’ve finally found a lawyer who’ll support me in this case, it feels like justice for my girl is possible. And healing for me.
It feels more possible to manifest a life where joy isn’t the blip in a sea of dread, but the ripple or the swell. But, I’ve been treading in murky water for 3 years, this life raft doesn’t erase the damage.
I’ve needed family-sponsored therapy just to cope with the heightened stress that comes with the legal process itself.
When I think of manifesting joy and a life well-lived, the name that immediately comes to mind is my friend actor Ashley Denise Robinson. She walks the walk. After participating in a 7-day manifestation challenge with her, we started to chat more about her process. Then, I remembered her offer for writers, actors, and conscious creators: body openers, nervous system reset, and self-concept work. Just what I needed.
Yesterday, I spent 70 lovely minutes with Ashley doing breath-work and hip openers, EFT tapping, movement and writing exercises to call in my truest self and become a neutral observer in stressful situations, and ASKfirmations that signal to the universe that I am ready.
I love being in community with people I admire so dearly. I felt safe with Ashley in such an intimate moment of release. There were tears and smiles – I left with a general sense of calm. This reset was exactly what I needed to make it through today and start working towards a new self-concept.